I feel totally still and at peace with where I am in this moment in my life
I don't think I've ever felt this mixture of gratitude and joyous content for my immediate past and anxious excitement for my immediate future
Life seems filled with miraculous potential
This year I rediscovered my hope, my faith and love
This year I lived fully, I loved wholly and I was loved wholly in return; I gave of myself and my gifts and I opened myself to gratefully receive the gifts of others
God blessed me immensely and reminded me that I am indeed blessed
I was also reminded that all isn't lost for the world- hope is small but it's present and that is powerful
I have fears of what tomorrow may bring but today's victories have fortified me enough to walk boldly into that new day
My fear is flanked on all sides by joy, excitement, passion, wisdom and reassuring peace
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
NOT JIM, JOHN OR JACK BUT 'THAT ONE', BARACK
It took a lot to get me here. I wasn’t sold. I found him bland (I can't believe I felt that way now). I thought the entire thing was hype- a part of me still does- but then ‘it’ happened: the ‘it’ that silenced my disbelief and skepticism. “He’s a rock star,” they’d say, “He’s the change we need.” He’s ‘that one’ even. I saw past the hype and I fell into hope, I got caught up in the rapture. Silently, steadily I began to ask myself ‘what if’.
I listened to what the man, himself had to say. I stopped listening to what the media and the pundits and the celebrities pontificated and I listened to the man. Reluctantly because I wasn't trying to get caught up in the hype- but I listened to the man and I fell into hope, I got caught up in the rapture.
He was special. There was something about this being, this spirit, that was humble and powerful and anointed. He had light. I gave in, not to the hype but to the hope. I found myself wishing, praying he did not win!
There was a part of me that prayed even as the masses prayed he’d win, a small part of me prayed he wouldn’t.
“He’s too good a man,” I steeled myself against arguments that he alone was the answer, that we needed an antidote to all the nonsense that plagued us for the past 8 years..hell since slavery.
“America’s not ready. This country wouldn’t welcome a black man into the White House, hold the most prestigious office in all the land.” I didn’t believe the mechanisms of power- true power in this land, were ready to let a Black man, the son of an African no less, be their leader. Chickens coming home to roost indeed! Wouldn’t that be some shit!! After all the things that Black people in this country have had to endure, for the the front doors to finally be opened and for a Black man to be welcomed to the party?! I didn’t think it was possible- not in this America, certainly not in my lifetime, not when Black people are still treated as second, third and fourth class citizens to this day. There are people plotting his demise, even as we cheer and share his ascent. The person to worry about is not the ignorant, bigoted redneck from Anybackwatertownvillage, USA, but powerful, intelligent people with ways and means, who are not ready to let Black children have hopes, to let them dream that they too can be president.
“He belongs to us, his people, the everyman,” I convinced myself that he could do so much more good on the grass roots level, like Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi.
"Politics is merely a game in which the best competitor wins, not always the one who was most just or true," I didn’t believe this was his place. What kind of change can he really implement? There will be so many people against him, against his ideals, the job of president is not to bring about real change but to manage the yays and nays of a thousand powerful voices all assured that they are the entitled and must be heard. That was the real presidency. I was convinced he’d have no impact beyond the novelty he brought to history.
“He belongs to his family,” the thought that his wife could lose her husband or his two girls their father makes me very afraid. I worry because my heart tells me that for the millions that are ready for this day, the day that a Black man from Hawaii takes the presidency of one of the most powerful countries on our Earth, there are still many who’d do all within their power to take that away. History has showed us as in the case of MLK and Gandhi, all it takes is one to kill a dream, to silence a voice, to out the fires or hope- All it takes is one.
These were my arguments- there were the things I told myself as the months and weeks and days that lead up to this day.
Then the 4th of November came and I woke up at 4:26 in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind reeled. Today is the day! It was palpable. The feeling was intense, the air was electric. I laid my clothes out, made sure I had every form of ID I had to make sure they wouldn’t, couldn’t turn me away. If I was going to do this, nothing would stop me. It was too important, I had a responsibility- as much as I tried to fight it and argue against it, I made it my responsibility to cast my vote. It was something so small but its implications were so far reaching- it was like a calling, one of the purposes of my time on this earth- to be a witness and flag bearer for this time in history. I was doing this for everyone who couldn’t- not wouldn’t or didn’t- but couldn’t; For every family member or friend who lived in this country and longed for nothing more than a chance at a decent life. I was doing this, on this day, for them. I jumped out of my bed two hours later giddily excited at 6:30. I surprised myself with my levity. I made a cup of tea, grabbed something to eat- I didn’t know what I was going to meet there and prepared for a long wait. I made my trek to the polling station and I felt this nervous, anxious energy I don’t remember feeling in a long time. The air was potent. No matter the outcome, today was a wonderful day and regardless of my earlier reluctance I was glad to be a part of it for all those who couldn’t and for my child who one day would. I will tell her of my day and she’ll read of my thoughts and hopes and dreams as I waited to cast my vote and how I did this for those who couldn’t and for her.
I was in the line by 6:45, I voted by 8:45. We wouldn’t know the results until later on that night but as I walked home the gray sky caught my eye and the weather was the thing that seemed out of place. In this electric air filled with happiness and hope clouds laden with heavy water seemed to have no place. I felt like I did what was asked of me. No one will bully or guilt me into voting- on that I was very clear. It’s a personal choice. As much as it’s a right and as every fanatic would preach- a duty- it’s above and beyond all a personal choice and I did this because my personal choice was to speak for those who in the eyes of this country have no voice. I stepped up to the plate and regardless of the outcome, looking at the faces of the people in line with me, cheering along with the folks who let their exuberance overflow as they were compelled to speak his name and pump their fists, their smiling faces and glazed eyes urging others to share this feeling and make history like they are, I know that November 4th 2008 is a great day. It feels like we are at that mountaintop that MLK spoke of so long ago. They view is breathtaking.
11/4/08 7AM- 8:20AM
YES, WE CAN!!!
He did it! Barack Obama is the new President of the United States of America. I sat watching the final tallying of the votes and as they announced at 10:03pm on November 4th 2008 that the 44th President of the United States was the 47 year old son of an African. His mother- Rest her soul, His grandmother- Rest her soul, must be so proud.
I watched in disbelief as they made the announcement that felt like the Earth stopped for a second and started turning a different direction. All I could say was Oh My God! I could scream or jump up and down. I felt something settling over me and all I could say was Oh My God! I had the goose bumps, and the hair raised on the back of my neck and I felt the rush of pride and the spine-straightening surge of optimism and then I prayed. I prayed as he came to the podium and I prayed as the water came to my eyes not falling but blurring my vision as I listened to him speak. I prayed as I watched others cry freely. I prayed as the enormity of what he now means to the world settled on me. I prayed for him. In the days and weeks and months and years to come I will continue to pray that this moment of smiling, hopeful, adulation and history bending will not be marred by the kind of desperate act of hate or selfishness determined to hurtle us back in time. I pray Brother Barack, for you, your family, for all of us.
It’s amazing to believe that we are at this moment in history! Never doubt the power of three little words- YES, WE CAN!!
11/5/2008 12:50AM
I listened to what the man, himself had to say. I stopped listening to what the media and the pundits and the celebrities pontificated and I listened to the man. Reluctantly because I wasn't trying to get caught up in the hype- but I listened to the man and I fell into hope, I got caught up in the rapture.
He was special. There was something about this being, this spirit, that was humble and powerful and anointed. He had light. I gave in, not to the hype but to the hope. I found myself wishing, praying he did not win!
There was a part of me that prayed even as the masses prayed he’d win, a small part of me prayed he wouldn’t.
“He’s too good a man,” I steeled myself against arguments that he alone was the answer, that we needed an antidote to all the nonsense that plagued us for the past 8 years..hell since slavery.
“America’s not ready. This country wouldn’t welcome a black man into the White House, hold the most prestigious office in all the land.” I didn’t believe the mechanisms of power- true power in this land, were ready to let a Black man, the son of an African no less, be their leader. Chickens coming home to roost indeed! Wouldn’t that be some shit!! After all the things that Black people in this country have had to endure, for the the front doors to finally be opened and for a Black man to be welcomed to the party?! I didn’t think it was possible- not in this America, certainly not in my lifetime, not when Black people are still treated as second, third and fourth class citizens to this day. There are people plotting his demise, even as we cheer and share his ascent. The person to worry about is not the ignorant, bigoted redneck from Anybackwatertownvillage, USA, but powerful, intelligent people with ways and means, who are not ready to let Black children have hopes, to let them dream that they too can be president.
“He belongs to us, his people, the everyman,” I convinced myself that he could do so much more good on the grass roots level, like Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi.
"Politics is merely a game in which the best competitor wins, not always the one who was most just or true," I didn’t believe this was his place. What kind of change can he really implement? There will be so many people against him, against his ideals, the job of president is not to bring about real change but to manage the yays and nays of a thousand powerful voices all assured that they are the entitled and must be heard. That was the real presidency. I was convinced he’d have no impact beyond the novelty he brought to history.
“He belongs to his family,” the thought that his wife could lose her husband or his two girls their father makes me very afraid. I worry because my heart tells me that for the millions that are ready for this day, the day that a Black man from Hawaii takes the presidency of one of the most powerful countries on our Earth, there are still many who’d do all within their power to take that away. History has showed us as in the case of MLK and Gandhi, all it takes is one to kill a dream, to silence a voice, to out the fires or hope- All it takes is one.
These were my arguments- there were the things I told myself as the months and weeks and days that lead up to this day.
Then the 4th of November came and I woke up at 4:26 in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind reeled. Today is the day! It was palpable. The feeling was intense, the air was electric. I laid my clothes out, made sure I had every form of ID I had to make sure they wouldn’t, couldn’t turn me away. If I was going to do this, nothing would stop me. It was too important, I had a responsibility- as much as I tried to fight it and argue against it, I made it my responsibility to cast my vote. It was something so small but its implications were so far reaching- it was like a calling, one of the purposes of my time on this earth- to be a witness and flag bearer for this time in history. I was doing this for everyone who couldn’t- not wouldn’t or didn’t- but couldn’t; For every family member or friend who lived in this country and longed for nothing more than a chance at a decent life. I was doing this, on this day, for them. I jumped out of my bed two hours later giddily excited at 6:30. I surprised myself with my levity. I made a cup of tea, grabbed something to eat- I didn’t know what I was going to meet there and prepared for a long wait. I made my trek to the polling station and I felt this nervous, anxious energy I don’t remember feeling in a long time. The air was potent. No matter the outcome, today was a wonderful day and regardless of my earlier reluctance I was glad to be a part of it for all those who couldn’t and for my child who one day would. I will tell her of my day and she’ll read of my thoughts and hopes and dreams as I waited to cast my vote and how I did this for those who couldn’t and for her.
I was in the line by 6:45, I voted by 8:45. We wouldn’t know the results until later on that night but as I walked home the gray sky caught my eye and the weather was the thing that seemed out of place. In this electric air filled with happiness and hope clouds laden with heavy water seemed to have no place. I felt like I did what was asked of me. No one will bully or guilt me into voting- on that I was very clear. It’s a personal choice. As much as it’s a right and as every fanatic would preach- a duty- it’s above and beyond all a personal choice and I did this because my personal choice was to speak for those who in the eyes of this country have no voice. I stepped up to the plate and regardless of the outcome, looking at the faces of the people in line with me, cheering along with the folks who let their exuberance overflow as they were compelled to speak his name and pump their fists, their smiling faces and glazed eyes urging others to share this feeling and make history like they are, I know that November 4th 2008 is a great day. It feels like we are at that mountaintop that MLK spoke of so long ago. They view is breathtaking.
11/4/08 7AM- 8:20AM
YES, WE CAN!!!
He did it! Barack Obama is the new President of the United States of America. I sat watching the final tallying of the votes and as they announced at 10:03pm on November 4th 2008 that the 44th President of the United States was the 47 year old son of an African. His mother- Rest her soul, His grandmother- Rest her soul, must be so proud.
I watched in disbelief as they made the announcement that felt like the Earth stopped for a second and started turning a different direction. All I could say was Oh My God! I could scream or jump up and down. I felt something settling over me and all I could say was Oh My God! I had the goose bumps, and the hair raised on the back of my neck and I felt the rush of pride and the spine-straightening surge of optimism and then I prayed. I prayed as he came to the podium and I prayed as the water came to my eyes not falling but blurring my vision as I listened to him speak. I prayed as I watched others cry freely. I prayed as the enormity of what he now means to the world settled on me. I prayed for him. In the days and weeks and months and years to come I will continue to pray that this moment of smiling, hopeful, adulation and history bending will not be marred by the kind of desperate act of hate or selfishness determined to hurtle us back in time. I pray Brother Barack, for you, your family, for all of us.
It’s amazing to believe that we are at this moment in history! Never doubt the power of three little words- YES, WE CAN!!
11/5/2008 12:50AM
Sunday, November 2, 2008
forgotten october
whipping and spinning like yellow and red leaves caught in a fall wind
these days have been chaotic
good chaos
bad chaos
creativity and stagnation, intertwined and symbiotic
necessity, being the mother- a new life, new path, a new way of thinking sprung from the ends of things dying and dead
we will persevere, and not just, we will thrive
in love
with passions
our soul's calling
we will succeed, and not just, we will thrive
there is no fear of winter's icy grip here
bring forth the cold and all things that are at an end
there are new paths to create and conquer, new ideas to manifest, new incarnations awaiting that first breath of life, and we are glad to leave the whipping leaves and chaos of this october
the winter may be cold, bitterly so, but we are fortified against its sting, prepared for the death of life as we know it
we know that, as always life will renew
in love
with passions
all of our soul's callings
we will succeed, and not just...
we...
will...
thrive
these days have been chaotic
good chaos
bad chaos
creativity and stagnation, intertwined and symbiotic
necessity, being the mother- a new life, new path, a new way of thinking sprung from the ends of things dying and dead
we will persevere, and not just, we will thrive
in love
with passions
our soul's calling
we will succeed, and not just, we will thrive
there is no fear of winter's icy grip here
bring forth the cold and all things that are at an end
there are new paths to create and conquer, new ideas to manifest, new incarnations awaiting that first breath of life, and we are glad to leave the whipping leaves and chaos of this october
the winter may be cold, bitterly so, but we are fortified against its sting, prepared for the death of life as we know it
we know that, as always life will renew
in love
with passions
all of our soul's callings
we will succeed, and not just...
we...
will...
thrive
Saturday, September 27, 2008
breathless
i'm scared
i'm mostly afraid to say it out loud, to give it a name, to let my fear manifest as though keeping it shapeless, nameless thought makes it somehow less potent
i'm terrified of failing
the fear has made me afraid to even try
i smile and i nod and i avoid all in the name of keeping peace, saving face, not confronting the fear that makes my chest tighten
i lie to myself, to others when the truth sits in my lap and hugs my shoulders present every where i go, startling me awake at odd hours and halting my singing in the middle of songs,
this can't continue yet it must- facing the fear is terrifying
i don't know if i'm strong enough
what it could all mean if the truths reveal themselves, what if i stop lying and accept the reality staring me in the face, the reality that has been screaming at me for years...the thought of what it could all mean takes my breath away
i'm mostly afraid to say it out loud, to give it a name, to let my fear manifest as though keeping it shapeless, nameless thought makes it somehow less potent
i'm terrified of failing
the fear has made me afraid to even try
i smile and i nod and i avoid all in the name of keeping peace, saving face, not confronting the fear that makes my chest tighten
i lie to myself, to others when the truth sits in my lap and hugs my shoulders present every where i go, startling me awake at odd hours and halting my singing in the middle of songs,
this can't continue yet it must- facing the fear is terrifying
i don't know if i'm strong enough
what it could all mean if the truths reveal themselves, what if i stop lying and accept the reality staring me in the face, the reality that has been screaming at me for years...the thought of what it could all mean takes my breath away
Sunday, August 31, 2008
wants, needs
so many wants
so many needs
so little time
so much to do to have those wants and needs fulfilled
patience is required
patience is in very short supply
tolerance is tested
temper is quick
I want and need now
no room for tomorrows
no space for acceptance of limitations
I want and need now
waiting is exhausting
I'm becoming anxious
hoping and praying for wants and needs
so many wants and needs
I pray to stop wanting
I'll work to stop needing
Mine is due in time
so many needs
so little time
so much to do to have those wants and needs fulfilled
patience is required
patience is in very short supply
tolerance is tested
temper is quick
I want and need now
no room for tomorrows
no space for acceptance of limitations
I want and need now
waiting is exhausting
I'm becoming anxious
hoping and praying for wants and needs
so many wants and needs
I pray to stop wanting
I'll work to stop needing
Mine is due in time
Monday, July 28, 2008
The Trinity
I used to think that my Trinity was the three for whom my heart beat would quicken. I’d shrink and forget myself under their glare. I’d loose myself and be everything but what and who I was to be what they wanted. That three incited in me a passion so strong I felt myself less without my love for them. ‘That was real love’, I convinced myself but now I know differently.
My true Trinity is the three to whom I always return. Whose love for me is unconditional, unwavering, enriching and infinite- my mother, my partner, my child. Though tumultuous at times the relationships forged with this Trinity is at the core of my being. That Trinity strengthens me. It is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. They are my loves, the fixed point on my compass, life, breath, safe harbor, my heart's joy.
My true Trinity is the three to whom I always return. Whose love for me is unconditional, unwavering, enriching and infinite- my mother, my partner, my child. Though tumultuous at times the relationships forged with this Trinity is at the core of my being. That Trinity strengthens me. It is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. They are my loves, the fixed point on my compass, life, breath, safe harbor, my heart's joy.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
For Mark 3/19/1977- 5/19/2008
The finality is what's most jarring
To never again see your face, your smiling eyes and wide, man-boy grin
To never again hear warm words of genuine concern, of playful teasing
I mourn for the loss even as I feel conflicted that I'm somehow not entitled to my level of grief
I'm devastated
I think of you and tears flow freely that never came for lost family
My heart aches and my spirit feels so low
I mourn for your loved ones who'll never again behold you in this life
I mourn for your son who'll grow without your guidance
My mourning mirrors the fear I feel at my increased sense of mortality
We are no longer invincible
You were one of 'us' and you are gone and I am painfully numbed
I thank you for our teenaged love and our blossomed friendship and for the way you still made me blush and smile and feel happy and giddy and young
I love you still
Rest my old friend, you will live on forever.
To never again see your face, your smiling eyes and wide, man-boy grin
To never again hear warm words of genuine concern, of playful teasing
I mourn for the loss even as I feel conflicted that I'm somehow not entitled to my level of grief
I'm devastated
I think of you and tears flow freely that never came for lost family
My heart aches and my spirit feels so low
I mourn for your loved ones who'll never again behold you in this life
I mourn for your son who'll grow without your guidance
My mourning mirrors the fear I feel at my increased sense of mortality
We are no longer invincible
You were one of 'us' and you are gone and I am painfully numbed
I thank you for our teenaged love and our blossomed friendship and for the way you still made me blush and smile and feel happy and giddy and young
I love you still
Rest my old friend, you will live on forever.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
again
Circles and u-turns, deep breaths and memory
We are at…again
I am back
With you
Back
With us
Back
In love
At peace
Filled with hope
Again
Prayerful
Wishful
Joyful
Locked in wonder and amazement
Ocean blues and soft, salty breezes
Mountain-top views and 360 island splendor
Love is coursing through me
I belong
This feels like…again
We are at…again
I am back
With you
Back
With us
Back
In love
At peace
Filled with hope
Again
Prayerful
Wishful
Joyful
Locked in wonder and amazement
Ocean blues and soft, salty breezes
Mountain-top views and 360 island splendor
Love is coursing through me
I belong
This feels like…again
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
CARNIVAL
There is a spirit in the thing
There is a movement of the soul that goes beyond gyration
There is a music that is heard above the rhythm, the noise
There is an elevation of life, the everyday
There is communion
There is a touching of God
There is water and earth and sky and never ending evolution
Peace and chaos
Order and madness
Stillness and revolution
There are colors and sounds bursting, breaking, flowing
There is communion
There is a touching of God
It is no mere jump and wave
No mere sing along
It is a spirit
An awakening
An elevation of life, the everyday
There is communion
There is a touching of God
A blessed people
Unbound talent
Mastered creativity
Revelry, abandon
Forsaking institution, man made deities
Embracing the God which dwells within
Releasing the soul to worship freely
“Where two or three are gathered in my name…”
There is a communion
A touching of God
Even in its complex simplicity
In its sublime absurdity
It is undeniable
There is a spirit in the thing
Granted, bestowed upon a blessed people
It is our communion
Our God is in the midst
There is a movement of the soul that goes beyond gyration
There is a music that is heard above the rhythm, the noise
There is an elevation of life, the everyday
There is communion
There is a touching of God
There is water and earth and sky and never ending evolution
Peace and chaos
Order and madness
Stillness and revolution
There are colors and sounds bursting, breaking, flowing
There is communion
There is a touching of God
It is no mere jump and wave
No mere sing along
It is a spirit
An awakening
An elevation of life, the everyday
There is communion
There is a touching of God
A blessed people
Unbound talent
Mastered creativity
Revelry, abandon
Forsaking institution, man made deities
Embracing the God which dwells within
Releasing the soul to worship freely
“Where two or three are gathered in my name…”
There is a communion
A touching of God
Even in its complex simplicity
In its sublime absurdity
It is undeniable
There is a spirit in the thing
Granted, bestowed upon a blessed people
It is our communion
Our God is in the midst
you...in small moments
We catch them where we can
Stealing small moments of joy
In a seemingly endless sea of routine, of anger and sadness, of despair
A song that brings a smile
Nostalgia
A memory of you and me together
Happy, laughing
I love you
I love you for loving me
No one else fits
and I fit with no one the way I feel I fit with you
That simple, small truth brings me immeasurable joy
I see a future for me, us
Far away days where we’re comfortably old, enjoying each other and it feels real, possible
I love you
I love your voice
I love your smile
A stolen memory of us being together, free, loving
It brings me comfort in days of discontent
I remind myself that you are the reason I do it all
Dwell in the endless sea of routine, and anger and sadness and despair
You, your smiles, our future
You
And I can go on
I am free and it is all possible
A memory of your smile and I am at peace
Reassured once again
Stealing small moments where I can
Stealing small moments of joy
In a seemingly endless sea of routine, of anger and sadness, of despair
A song that brings a smile
Nostalgia
A memory of you and me together
Happy, laughing
I love you
I love you for loving me
No one else fits
and I fit with no one the way I feel I fit with you
That simple, small truth brings me immeasurable joy
I see a future for me, us
Far away days where we’re comfortably old, enjoying each other and it feels real, possible
I love you
I love your voice
I love your smile
A stolen memory of us being together, free, loving
It brings me comfort in days of discontent
I remind myself that you are the reason I do it all
Dwell in the endless sea of routine, and anger and sadness and despair
You, your smiles, our future
You
And I can go on
I am free and it is all possible
A memory of your smile and I am at peace
Reassured once again
Stealing small moments where I can
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
another empty day on Promised Land
There has to be more to it than this
There has to be more to it than this endless stream of eagerly-awaited Friday afternoons, meaningless relationships with meaningless people, and nothing to show for the disappointment of today but the promise of disappointment tomorrow
There has to be more
More than the constant questions with no answers and the head shaking, eye closing, sigh breaking blackness of constantly not knowing
There has to be more than the bitter taste of contempt for every lost or unrealized dream and the knowledge that settling now passes for the goal
The fire’s out, it seems
Passion doesn’t fit in this skin,
And as time ebbs and flows, so too the reality that this is all we have, time is all there is
There has to be more
There has to be more to laugh about
There has to be more to love
There has to be more to dream about
There has to be the possibility, no matter how remote, that those dream will come true
This can’t be it,
There has to be more
There has to be more to it than this endless stream of eagerly-awaited Friday afternoons, meaningless relationships with meaningless people, and nothing to show for the disappointment of today but the promise of disappointment tomorrow
There has to be more
More than the constant questions with no answers and the head shaking, eye closing, sigh breaking blackness of constantly not knowing
There has to be more than the bitter taste of contempt for every lost or unrealized dream and the knowledge that settling now passes for the goal
The fire’s out, it seems
Passion doesn’t fit in this skin,
And as time ebbs and flows, so too the reality that this is all we have, time is all there is
There has to be more
There has to be more to laugh about
There has to be more to love
There has to be more to dream about
There has to be the possibility, no matter how remote, that those dream will come true
This can’t be it,
There has to be more
Thursday, January 10, 2008
last night
So I wake up this morning thinking about you after falling asleep with you on my mind.
I again find myself writing about these confused feelings I have about you and I’m caught in the after glow of last night.
I think I may love you.
Are you surprised?
Did you know already?
Did my eyes and fingers and arms and legs give me away?
Every part of me was hungry for you.
I wanted to soak you up like a sponge and keep all your goodness and light inside of me.
It’s funny; I must have given you a million kisses last night.
I suppose it was one kiss for every time I thought about you or kissing you or being with you or that single time I thought I was in love with you and it scared me so bad I stopped thinking it.
I don’t want to think about how complicated it could be if I were to be in love with you.
I don’t want to think about you not loving me back, or the complicated separate lives we lead or the nightmare our lives may be together, or even the wonderful blessing you might turn out to be in my life.
I’ll think about all of that another time.
For now I’ll just think about how happy and giddy and calm you make me and how much I love kissing you and touching you and being kissed and touched by you.
I won’t think about tomorrows or forever,
I’ll just lay here and think about last night.
So I wake up this morning thinking about you after falling asleep with you on my mind.
I again find myself writing about these confused feelings I have about you and I’m caught in the after glow of last night.
I think I may love you.
Are you surprised?
Did you know already?
Did my eyes and fingers and arms and legs give me away?
Every part of me was hungry for you.
I wanted to soak you up like a sponge and keep all your goodness and light inside of me.
It’s funny; I must have given you a million kisses last night.
I suppose it was one kiss for every time I thought about you or kissing you or being with you or that single time I thought I was in love with you and it scared me so bad I stopped thinking it.
I don’t want to think about how complicated it could be if I were to be in love with you.
I don’t want to think about you not loving me back, or the complicated separate lives we lead or the nightmare our lives may be together, or even the wonderful blessing you might turn out to be in my life.
I’ll think about all of that another time.
For now I’ll just think about how happy and giddy and calm you make me and how much I love kissing you and touching you and being kissed and touched by you.
I won’t think about tomorrows or forever,
I’ll just lay here and think about last night.
I feel at peace
you feel like what was missing for the past few weeks
We became lost
We lost each other, became detoured from the mission of being there for each other, got caught up in man-woman-boy-girl bullshit
I need you to be my friend and to be yours
No extracurriculars.
I’m still in love with you but I feel a prayer has been answered and I’d gotten a reprieve
I am no longer so desperate for you to be in love with me.
I’d gotten my friend back and I’m yours
...it’s good to be home.
you feel like what was missing for the past few weeks
We became lost
We lost each other, became detoured from the mission of being there for each other, got caught up in man-woman-boy-girl bullshit
I need you to be my friend and to be yours
No extracurriculars.
I’m still in love with you but I feel a prayer has been answered and I’d gotten a reprieve
I am no longer so desperate for you to be in love with me.
I’d gotten my friend back and I’m yours
...it’s good to be home.
The goodbye is here
Five minute conversations now exist where three hour conversations couldn’t begin to reside
There is space and silence and distance and I wonder what happened…again
I wonder what did I do…again
I wonder why I am alone, why can’t I find it and keep it and have it in my life
I’m wondering...again
And I feel desperate and dangerous and lost and afraid
And I didn’t want to be here...again
It did happen too fast
Words of forever were spoken too fast
The fantasy unraveled too fast
The reality came too fast and too hard and it was crushing
We were not meant for each other- that much is evident
You are wild, maybe too wild for me
I am too afraid of everything to just go with your flow, your way, your vibes, and just be
You are too ready to rush into darkness, guns blazing all or nothing
I still need to feel my way around the darkness slowly, safely
But it was nice
It was really nice
You are such a wonderful spirit
I hope you find someone to be in your life who can really and truly enhance that
And not try to contain that remarkable, vibrant, untamable, passionate, innocent, world-worn man-child that lives in you
It was so great meeting you and getting to know you and being with you and loving you and being loved by you and being in love with you
I will remember this time together always
And believe it or not, I’ll remember this time fondly
I know that mistakes were made but I know we had some once in a lifetime moments- at least I did- and I will treasure that
You made me laugh, and think and love with an intensity I was longing for and I thank you for allowing me into your life
Our time was short but it was so rich you are inscribed please, please believe that
I love you and I am so very, very happy to have been yours for a little while
I’m glad that I’d found a wonderfully warm, safe, loving place within your embrace for a little while
Five minute conversations now exist where three hour conversations couldn’t begin to reside
There is space and silence and distance and I wonder what happened…again
I wonder what did I do…again
I wonder why I am alone, why can’t I find it and keep it and have it in my life
I’m wondering...again
And I feel desperate and dangerous and lost and afraid
And I didn’t want to be here...again
It did happen too fast
Words of forever were spoken too fast
The fantasy unraveled too fast
The reality came too fast and too hard and it was crushing
We were not meant for each other- that much is evident
You are wild, maybe too wild for me
I am too afraid of everything to just go with your flow, your way, your vibes, and just be
You are too ready to rush into darkness, guns blazing all or nothing
I still need to feel my way around the darkness slowly, safely
But it was nice
It was really nice
You are such a wonderful spirit
I hope you find someone to be in your life who can really and truly enhance that
And not try to contain that remarkable, vibrant, untamable, passionate, innocent, world-worn man-child that lives in you
It was so great meeting you and getting to know you and being with you and loving you and being loved by you and being in love with you
I will remember this time together always
And believe it or not, I’ll remember this time fondly
I know that mistakes were made but I know we had some once in a lifetime moments- at least I did- and I will treasure that
You made me laugh, and think and love with an intensity I was longing for and I thank you for allowing me into your life
Our time was short but it was so rich you are inscribed please, please believe that
I love you and I am so very, very happy to have been yours for a little while
I’m glad that I’d found a wonderfully warm, safe, loving place within your embrace for a little while
Love lifts us to heights, kindred one
Where time and space and choice leave room for madness and irrationality and only love matters
Love lifts us to heights my dear one
Where in an instant, a profound connection is made and there is a peace and understanding, a movement towards oneness, soul’s mate, connection, recognition of the answers to your heart’s questions and longing
Love lifts us to heights, ancient spirit
Where you mirror me, I mirror you, we seek validation of the truths we disbelieve and justification of the lies we accept
What is this love and where is it going?
why is it so easy to fall and so very hard to
remain
in
love
Love lifts us to heights to sing and dance and be and rejoice and cry
I’m afraid of you of who you are and what you could possibly do to me and my heart, my soul
I’m drawn to you inexplicably and instantly intensely
Is it because I’ve been alone for too long
are you another mistake
or are you the answer that I’ve been asking God for, praying for, pleading for, crying for
or... are you another mistake
a perfectly beautiful, troubled, mysterious, confusing, conflicted, chemically potent mistake
You speak and I’m curious
I want to know more about you and who you are and what had brought you to be this person who you are
are you another mistake
love has somehow lifted me
Where time and space and choice leave room for madness and irrationality and only love matters
Love lifts us to heights my dear one
Where in an instant, a profound connection is made and there is a peace and understanding, a movement towards oneness, soul’s mate, connection, recognition of the answers to your heart’s questions and longing
Love lifts us to heights, ancient spirit
Where you mirror me, I mirror you, we seek validation of the truths we disbelieve and justification of the lies we accept
What is this love and where is it going?
why is it so easy to fall and so very hard to
remain
in
love
Love lifts us to heights to sing and dance and be and rejoice and cry
I’m afraid of you of who you are and what you could possibly do to me and my heart, my soul
I’m drawn to you inexplicably and instantly intensely
Is it because I’ve been alone for too long
are you another mistake
or are you the answer that I’ve been asking God for, praying for, pleading for, crying for
or... are you another mistake
a perfectly beautiful, troubled, mysterious, confusing, conflicted, chemically potent mistake
You speak and I’m curious
I want to know more about you and who you are and what had brought you to be this person who you are
are you another mistake
love has somehow lifted me
It occurs to me that love is not a lifetime feeling, not an overwhelming emotional high or low.
Love is a snapshot of understanding, mixed with respect and commitment and sacrifice and practice and patience that is captured in a fraction of a moment of a minute and repeated into a pattern to form habit, to form an intrinsic notion and spurred by a never-ending supply of hope.
Love is a snapshot of understanding, mixed with respect and commitment and sacrifice and practice and patience that is captured in a fraction of a moment of a minute and repeated into a pattern to form habit, to form an intrinsic notion and spurred by a never-ending supply of hope.
Heaviness on both sides
You with your duty
Me with mine
But when we’re together, I’m light
Foolishly happy, even if it’s only for a minute
You bring me joy when you visit
Hope arrives when you call
Potential and promise embrace me when you do and I am light
Nothing matters except your smiles and mine
I’m foolishly happy even if it’s only for a moment
You with your duty
Me with mine
But when we’re together, I’m light
Foolishly happy, even if it’s only for a minute
You bring me joy when you visit
Hope arrives when you call
Potential and promise embrace me when you do and I am light
Nothing matters except your smiles and mine
I’m foolishly happy even if it’s only for a moment
stunted
why is it that every man I meet is stunted?
Either physically or emotionally their growth stopped somewhere around 15?
Is it me?
Am I expecting too much?
Do I think too highly of myself?
Do I think that I am at a level where a man ‘should be at least ‘this’ high to ride this ride’?
They bring me down to their level.
I can’t wear heels, can’t transcend the bullshit, frivolous meetings and greeting and the playground ‘I like you, you like me’ nonsense I thought I’d left so many years ago.
Wearing me down, keeping me stunted. I say I’ll leave them all in my wake and wait on the Lord to send me one who’s on my level, my height, my speed. I pray the Lord lets me recognize him when and if he comes because I’ve been fooled too many times by men parading as giants only to reveal themselves to be dwarfs.
why is it that every man I meet is stunted?
Either physically or emotionally their growth stopped somewhere around 15?
Is it me?
Am I expecting too much?
Do I think too highly of myself?
Do I think that I am at a level where a man ‘should be at least ‘this’ high to ride this ride’?
They bring me down to their level.
I can’t wear heels, can’t transcend the bullshit, frivolous meetings and greeting and the playground ‘I like you, you like me’ nonsense I thought I’d left so many years ago.
Wearing me down, keeping me stunted. I say I’ll leave them all in my wake and wait on the Lord to send me one who’s on my level, my height, my speed. I pray the Lord lets me recognize him when and if he comes because I’ve been fooled too many times by men parading as giants only to reveal themselves to be dwarfs.
sprung
I knew what the truths were but I still believed ‘some-kind-of-wonderful’ was taking place.
Some kind of ‘enchanted, once-in-a-lifetime’ love affair.
I was aware of faults, of hostile situations,
I knew all and ignored all.
I chose to believe all was well, wanted to believe it was well.
I needed to believe in you.
I knew what the truths were but I still believed ‘some-kind-of-wonderful’ was taking place.
Some kind of ‘enchanted, once-in-a-lifetime’ love affair.
I was aware of faults, of hostile situations,
I knew all and ignored all.
I chose to believe all was well, wanted to believe it was well.
I needed to believe in you.
I’m not one of those women who’ll fight you
Or curse you out in the street
I’m not one of those women who’ll fight another
Or dog you out when we meet
I’m not one of those women who’ll take your shit
Or take your hits
Or just wipe the spit
as you hawk up another to put on me
I’m not the woman who’ll cheat on a good man
Or lie to your woman
Or keep taking your lines and excuses
I’m not the girl with the pin up curves
Or the one you sex and run off to next
Or screw when you and wifey vex
I’m the woman that there’s just something about
The one men can’t live with but can’t do without
The name you call out at times and get into trouble
The one with the gapped- tooth smile that makes good fortunes double
That’s me
I’m the one you can’t seem to treat right
The one you leave alone at night
But always come back to to make everything right
That’s me
That one who loves you, that’s me
That one who wants you, that’s me
That one that sees no other but you
That’s me too
Now that you know who I am
Please tell me: Who are you
Or curse you out in the street
I’m not one of those women who’ll fight another
Or dog you out when we meet
I’m not one of those women who’ll take your shit
Or take your hits
Or just wipe the spit
as you hawk up another to put on me
I’m not the woman who’ll cheat on a good man
Or lie to your woman
Or keep taking your lines and excuses
I’m not the girl with the pin up curves
Or the one you sex and run off to next
Or screw when you and wifey vex
I’m the woman that there’s just something about
The one men can’t live with but can’t do without
The name you call out at times and get into trouble
The one with the gapped- tooth smile that makes good fortunes double
That’s me
I’m the one you can’t seem to treat right
The one you leave alone at night
But always come back to to make everything right
That’s me
That one who loves you, that’s me
That one who wants you, that’s me
That one that sees no other but you
That’s me too
Now that you know who I am
Please tell me: Who are you
who’d cry for me if I should die
who’d shed a tear or wet their eye
my mother, my child, a sister, friend
who’d be sorry as I’d met my end
I want to be missed
Revered and mourned
I want to be pined over
Cause someone to yearn
I want someone to yell out
“Why God, why now
Anything to get her back
Simply show me how”
I want that perfect scripted love
You see on movie screens
I want to be enamored
To see how that love feels
I want that love that’s filling
That love that heals and soothes
I want that love that lulls to sleep
And brightens darkened moods
I’ve looked for him who’ll cry for me
He’s nowhere that I’ve been
I’ve given myself mistakenly
To men who perfect seemed
They use my body, soul and mind
My heart sits longingly
Awaiting him who’d love and care
And know he’d cry for me
who’d shed a tear or wet their eye
my mother, my child, a sister, friend
who’d be sorry as I’d met my end
I want to be missed
Revered and mourned
I want to be pined over
Cause someone to yearn
I want someone to yell out
“Why God, why now
Anything to get her back
Simply show me how”
I want that perfect scripted love
You see on movie screens
I want to be enamored
To see how that love feels
I want that love that’s filling
That love that heals and soothes
I want that love that lulls to sleep
And brightens darkened moods
I’ve looked for him who’ll cry for me
He’s nowhere that I’ve been
I’ve given myself mistakenly
To men who perfect seemed
They use my body, soul and mind
My heart sits longingly
Awaiting him who’d love and care
And know he’d cry for me
Dirty laundry
Whatdafuck?!!!!?!!!!
I was humiliated and I felt so cheap. Trying to be okay with it all is exhausting. I just wanted to lay down and stay down and not bother anymore.
After all that I’d released the night before, finally admitting my feelings to him and that I was still capable of those feelings at all to myself, and giving into wanting to be with someone again on that level and all that came with it, and to not only have my post-coital after-glow interrupted by a girlfriend knocking on the window but to have to get up and hide like some cheap, desperate, mistress under a sheet in a corner while my heart is beating out of control for fear and disbelief that this shit is actually taking place and that in all my years and all of my relationships I’d NEVER EVER had to deal with this kind of thing, this mess only happens in the movies and she keeps coming into the room and I’m frozen with fear that I’ll be found out and the shame of having to hide is worst than any confrontation that may take place, praying she would just leave and take him with her because I couldn’t face him right now, after all my confessions the night before and the love we made now demoted to cheap sex and I felt sick with my disgust of myself, staying dead still and silent like his dirty laundry. They leave and I still sit there so afraid and shocked I can’t even cry for my broken heart, I am left alone in a dark room in a suddenly cold house in a strange place and told to fend for myself, slipped a key to get out and find my way home. It is overwhelming to say the very least.
How could he hurt me like that? After all these years, after all that we’d shared? For the very least he could have been honest with me. I could use a cigarette. This is why women turn to the bottle or into sluts or to Jesus.
Whatdafuck?!!!!?!!!!
I was humiliated and I felt so cheap. Trying to be okay with it all is exhausting. I just wanted to lay down and stay down and not bother anymore.
After all that I’d released the night before, finally admitting my feelings to him and that I was still capable of those feelings at all to myself, and giving into wanting to be with someone again on that level and all that came with it, and to not only have my post-coital after-glow interrupted by a girlfriend knocking on the window but to have to get up and hide like some cheap, desperate, mistress under a sheet in a corner while my heart is beating out of control for fear and disbelief that this shit is actually taking place and that in all my years and all of my relationships I’d NEVER EVER had to deal with this kind of thing, this mess only happens in the movies and she keeps coming into the room and I’m frozen with fear that I’ll be found out and the shame of having to hide is worst than any confrontation that may take place, praying she would just leave and take him with her because I couldn’t face him right now, after all my confessions the night before and the love we made now demoted to cheap sex and I felt sick with my disgust of myself, staying dead still and silent like his dirty laundry. They leave and I still sit there so afraid and shocked I can’t even cry for my broken heart, I am left alone in a dark room in a suddenly cold house in a strange place and told to fend for myself, slipped a key to get out and find my way home. It is overwhelming to say the very least.
How could he hurt me like that? After all these years, after all that we’d shared? For the very least he could have been honest with me. I could use a cigarette. This is why women turn to the bottle or into sluts or to Jesus.
I think I’m in trouble …
You make me smile!
You know that smile that makes men take notice and want phone numbers and to spend time
You know that smile that makes women look twice “what she so happy about”
That smile that remembers something you said or did or a song you played for me
A smile that remembers yours, beautifully welcoming, sexy yet sincere
You make me smile ALL over
From my hair, which you make feel luxurious, instead of its usual wild and untamable
To my toes, which relish your attention
To my body, screaming hints, subtle and not, that it really likes you
To my soul, softly whispering your praises, afraid that you might be a figment of its imagination, too perfect to be real, it’s so unaccustomed to good treatment and care
Yup, I think I’m in trouble
Constant smiles require a level of happiness I’m unfamiliar with
But with you the effort is easy and it doesn’t feel forced
You don’t push, you don’t cajole, or exert great energy, but still you bring forth grins I show inside and out
You make me feel pretty and interesting
You make me want to keep smiling
Trouble or not, I thank you for my smiles
You make me smile!
You know that smile that makes men take notice and want phone numbers and to spend time
You know that smile that makes women look twice “what she so happy about”
That smile that remembers something you said or did or a song you played for me
A smile that remembers yours, beautifully welcoming, sexy yet sincere
You make me smile ALL over
From my hair, which you make feel luxurious, instead of its usual wild and untamable
To my toes, which relish your attention
To my body, screaming hints, subtle and not, that it really likes you
To my soul, softly whispering your praises, afraid that you might be a figment of its imagination, too perfect to be real, it’s so unaccustomed to good treatment and care
Yup, I think I’m in trouble
Constant smiles require a level of happiness I’m unfamiliar with
But with you the effort is easy and it doesn’t feel forced
You don’t push, you don’t cajole, or exert great energy, but still you bring forth grins I show inside and out
You make me feel pretty and interesting
You make me want to keep smiling
Trouble or not, I thank you for my smiles
You feel like a treat to me
A wonderful surprise I happened upon
As life in its infinity
Yields yet another blessing for me
I wanted to find some way to say
I appreciate your spirit
Your care, Your openness
You
A poem seems so…soon
Too soon
Too soon for romantic words
Or grand gestures
Intimate professions
Or deep intense, heartfelt yearning
But there must be a way for me to say
You’re cool with me
You are welcomed into my life
Whatever comes,
Even if nothing comes at all
You are fresh, refreshing,
A friend, a like soul
And I’m so very glad
To have gotten
To share a little time
…With you.
A wonderful surprise I happened upon
As life in its infinity
Yields yet another blessing for me
I wanted to find some way to say
I appreciate your spirit
Your care, Your openness
You
A poem seems so…soon
Too soon
Too soon for romantic words
Or grand gestures
Intimate professions
Or deep intense, heartfelt yearning
But there must be a way for me to say
You’re cool with me
You are welcomed into my life
Whatever comes,
Even if nothing comes at all
You are fresh, refreshing,
A friend, a like soul
And I’m so very glad
To have gotten
To share a little time
…With you.
I just kept promising
Kept promising that I’d leave
I just kept promising myself, my self-esteem, my sense of self, my self-worth, my peace
That I’d leave this man and all he has that binds me.
Just kept promising
Just kept promising
4 A.M. in bed- alone
When he didn’t come home
I promised
When he didn’t smile anymore
I promised
When I tasted my tears, as I lay alone- anxious and afraid
For the millionth ‘last time’
I promised
Each broken promise creating a new hole in my soul
But I kept,
And keep
Promising
Kept promising that I’d leave
I just kept promising myself, my self-esteem, my sense of self, my self-worth, my peace
That I’d leave this man and all he has that binds me.
Just kept promising
Just kept promising
4 A.M. in bed- alone
When he didn’t come home
I promised
When he didn’t smile anymore
I promised
When I tasted my tears, as I lay alone- anxious and afraid
For the millionth ‘last time’
I promised
Each broken promise creating a new hole in my soul
But I kept,
And keep
Promising
In all my life
It’s never been like this
So desperate and hungry
I want you, need you,
An intense obsession
Or a session of intensity
Why-
The choices I make,
Wild, irrational, senseless, contradictory, pain inducing
They baffle me
Why can’t I walk away
It feels so right, alone in your arms
Impassioned embraces
Kisses and feelings
In the dark
In the light secrecy, stolen glances, encounters in shadows,
Veiled affection taking the form of friendship
Once again, I’ve betrayed myself, my heart, me
I’ve let myself love but this has nothing to do with you
I let myself love you, I knew all yet I walked in
Eyes wide open, arms outstretched, heart exposed and hungry incessantly searching
For solace and fulfillment
Don’t believe that you’ve done this and you’ve hurt me and you keep hurting me
I do this, I did this, I keep doing this shit to myself.
I’m sorry I got you involved in the madness.
I don’t want you to hate me, I love you, I’m clear that I do
Is it right, is it sane
I honestly don’t know
I think about a future with you and it seems so right
But then I hate myself because all I see in the present is pain-all around-
So, as much as this might hurt me and hurt you
And as absolutely hollow and alone I may feel and naked without you in my life
I am going to say goodbye I am going to say, I love you one more time and I’m going to say goodbye
It’s never been like this
So desperate and hungry
I want you, need you,
An intense obsession
Or a session of intensity
Why-
The choices I make,
Wild, irrational, senseless, contradictory, pain inducing
They baffle me
Why can’t I walk away
It feels so right, alone in your arms
Impassioned embraces
Kisses and feelings
In the dark
In the light secrecy, stolen glances, encounters in shadows,
Veiled affection taking the form of friendship
Once again, I’ve betrayed myself, my heart, me
I’ve let myself love but this has nothing to do with you
I let myself love you, I knew all yet I walked in
Eyes wide open, arms outstretched, heart exposed and hungry incessantly searching
For solace and fulfillment
Don’t believe that you’ve done this and you’ve hurt me and you keep hurting me
I do this, I did this, I keep doing this shit to myself.
I’m sorry I got you involved in the madness.
I don’t want you to hate me, I love you, I’m clear that I do
Is it right, is it sane
I honestly don’t know
I think about a future with you and it seems so right
But then I hate myself because all I see in the present is pain-all around-
So, as much as this might hurt me and hurt you
And as absolutely hollow and alone I may feel and naked without you in my life
I am going to say goodbye I am going to say, I love you one more time and I’m going to say goodbye
Are you what I came here for?
Are you the discovery
Are you the time and the lives I’ve met and left and loved and lost along the way
I feel as though every heart break, every let down, every player with tales of a twelve inch thick…
Fantasy
Has lead to this moment,
To this occasion,
To you
I dream of every touch, every kiss, every physical encounter not yet experience could be the breath I’ve waited to exhale all my life all my love all my all waiting to be given to you
Are you the solution to the problem, the cure for the ill or the quest I’ve yet to go on
Are you just another let down, just another I’m so tired of this bullshit, another I think I’ll take a break for now
Are you another Lord send me a good man, Please,
Are you another sitting by the phone on a Friday night, laying in my bed on a rainy day playing love songs and crying like a school girl with her heart broken for the first time
Cause if you are then I done been had that too many times to run after it again with open arms
If you are that something let me know
I can’t find out by panties left in your bed that ain’t mine or names and numbers left in your head that ain’t mine or time spent in a lover’s arms that ain’t mine
Let me know cause I done been had that too many times to run after it again with arms wide open
But
Are you what I came here for
Came now for
Are you the discovery
Are you the times and the lives I’ve left behind hoping to find you
Are you my be all, are you my end all
Are you what I came here for
Are you the discovery
Are you the time and the lives I’ve met and left and loved and lost along the way
I feel as though every heart break, every let down, every player with tales of a twelve inch thick…
Fantasy
Has lead to this moment,
To this occasion,
To you
I dream of every touch, every kiss, every physical encounter not yet experience could be the breath I’ve waited to exhale all my life all my love all my all waiting to be given to you
Are you the solution to the problem, the cure for the ill or the quest I’ve yet to go on
Are you just another let down, just another I’m so tired of this bullshit, another I think I’ll take a break for now
Are you another Lord send me a good man, Please,
Are you another sitting by the phone on a Friday night, laying in my bed on a rainy day playing love songs and crying like a school girl with her heart broken for the first time
Cause if you are then I done been had that too many times to run after it again with open arms
If you are that something let me know
I can’t find out by panties left in your bed that ain’t mine or names and numbers left in your head that ain’t mine or time spent in a lover’s arms that ain’t mine
Let me know cause I done been had that too many times to run after it again with arms wide open
But
Are you what I came here for
Came now for
Are you the discovery
Are you the times and the lives I’ve left behind hoping to find you
Are you my be all, are you my end all
Are you what I came here for
my thoughts alone
your eyes are like a beautiful dream
and I love to see you smile
what are you really searching for
you’ve told me
but I’m still wondering
wouldn’t it have been nice if we’d met at a different place, a different time, different circumstances,
I love to look into your eyes
There seem to be so many little secrets
Your unwillingness to share only increases my curiosity
What was it, what is it that make your eyes, your beautiful eyes seem so sad
I love to hold your hand
And I love to touch you
Touches soft and intimate
It surprises me because of the short time that we’ve known each other
Yet the moments without words seem so familiar, so recognized, it’s as though we have this strange need for… something
And in our search we happened upon each other
I love to kiss you
Your lips appeal to me
Seeing the words form as you speak
Or feeling them against mine excite me
I am nervous and juvenile when I’m near you
These feelings I experience because I can’t truly say what I’d like to or do the things I want because I feel they’d be inappropriate or unwanted or just not right
So I’ll write
I’ll write and you’ll know how I feel when you read my words of emotion toward you
I’ll keep writing until I can say or do the things I want to or until there’s no longer any need
The mystery solved, the newness old, the excitement dull, and the beautiful dream of potential and possibility lays awake and aware in the pale unflattering light of the morning
your eyes are like a beautiful dream
and I love to see you smile
what are you really searching for
you’ve told me
but I’m still wondering
wouldn’t it have been nice if we’d met at a different place, a different time, different circumstances,
I love to look into your eyes
There seem to be so many little secrets
Your unwillingness to share only increases my curiosity
What was it, what is it that make your eyes, your beautiful eyes seem so sad
I love to hold your hand
And I love to touch you
Touches soft and intimate
It surprises me because of the short time that we’ve known each other
Yet the moments without words seem so familiar, so recognized, it’s as though we have this strange need for… something
And in our search we happened upon each other
I love to kiss you
Your lips appeal to me
Seeing the words form as you speak
Or feeling them against mine excite me
I am nervous and juvenile when I’m near you
These feelings I experience because I can’t truly say what I’d like to or do the things I want because I feel they’d be inappropriate or unwanted or just not right
So I’ll write
I’ll write and you’ll know how I feel when you read my words of emotion toward you
I’ll keep writing until I can say or do the things I want to or until there’s no longer any need
The mystery solved, the newness old, the excitement dull, and the beautiful dream of potential and possibility lays awake and aware in the pale unflattering light of the morning
I’d like to take you somewhere quiet and warm
And forget
Just for a minute
That responsibilities exist
I’d like to take you somewhere quiet and warm
And tell you
How much I’ve grown to admire you
And enjoy our talks
And miss you when we don’t
And how much the part of me which longs to be kissed and held and whispered to
Wishes that you might or that you would
In that moment when the world wouldn’t know
I’d like to take you somewhere quiet and warm
and show you
The things I’ve thought about, dreamed about, laughed about and cursed about
But responsibilities exist
Give me your hand
I’ll lay these kisses for remembrance
I’d like to take you
But….
And forget
Just for a minute
That responsibilities exist
I’d like to take you somewhere quiet and warm
And tell you
How much I’ve grown to admire you
And enjoy our talks
And miss you when we don’t
And how much the part of me which longs to be kissed and held and whispered to
Wishes that you might or that you would
In that moment when the world wouldn’t know
I’d like to take you somewhere quiet and warm
and show you
The things I’ve thought about, dreamed about, laughed about and cursed about
But responsibilities exist
Give me your hand
I’ll lay these kisses for remembrance
I’d like to take you
But….
In this time
Forever changing
Forever constant
My love, timeless in its existence is bound by its intent
If I could love you just a little more
Hold on to you tight enough to let go
I could have you forever if I just say goodbye
You’re not mine,
my dreams create scenes, fantasies, misty and perfect, you’re mine, you’re beautiful, I’m happy.
I wake up and you’re beautiful and I’m without you
The dream, a blissful memory, the fantasy no more than a seemingly torturous reminder that you are beautiful and I’m without…
To have a day of having you, to live a day of loving you, to feel a day of sun and jazz and rain and jazz and love and you and … to be a day like that…
Perfection.
I could dream it but my reality is stunted, I can’t seem to move on,
To forget, to forgive, to grow and be happy.
Why does she get to have your body, you hands and lips and eyes to look into, to caress her, to kiss her
And I get your dreams, your heavy guilty tired sighs and teasing, flirty, taunting thighs, when you decide to reward me for my unfaltering loyalty.
I’ll stay here though, try as I might my soul seems unwilling to let go
But so you know…
In this time forever changing
Forever constant
My love is boundless in its existence
But limited by its intent
Forever changing
Forever constant
My love, timeless in its existence is bound by its intent
If I could love you just a little more
Hold on to you tight enough to let go
I could have you forever if I just say goodbye
You’re not mine,
my dreams create scenes, fantasies, misty and perfect, you’re mine, you’re beautiful, I’m happy.
I wake up and you’re beautiful and I’m without you
The dream, a blissful memory, the fantasy no more than a seemingly torturous reminder that you are beautiful and I’m without…
To have a day of having you, to live a day of loving you, to feel a day of sun and jazz and rain and jazz and love and you and … to be a day like that…
Perfection.
I could dream it but my reality is stunted, I can’t seem to move on,
To forget, to forgive, to grow and be happy.
Why does she get to have your body, you hands and lips and eyes to look into, to caress her, to kiss her
And I get your dreams, your heavy guilty tired sighs and teasing, flirty, taunting thighs, when you decide to reward me for my unfaltering loyalty.
I’ll stay here though, try as I might my soul seems unwilling to let go
But so you know…
In this time forever changing
Forever constant
My love is boundless in its existence
But limited by its intent
big brown beautiful beaming eyes
dreamy rays reach right around my soul
secular serene transformation transfixed my location
I can’t get enough of you
God sent golden graces
Grab hold of my heart
Don’t let go love, it feels so right when you hold me
My almost anytime always aspiration is to be loved by you
Wishing hopeful beggar that I am
I love you.
dreamy rays reach right around my soul
secular serene transformation transfixed my location
I can’t get enough of you
God sent golden graces
Grab hold of my heart
Don’t let go love, it feels so right when you hold me
My almost anytime always aspiration is to be loved by you
Wishing hopeful beggar that I am
I love you.
FUCK LOVE
Do you hear me
Fuck cozy nights
And breathless kisses
Anxious embraces
And butterflies
Fuck it
Fuck ‘I love you’s
‘I miss you’s
‘I want you so’s
fuck it all
fuck first times
and heart melting, lip blubbering, admissions of ‘forever’
fuck it
fuck love
and lovers
and loving
and wanting hopelessly, desperately to love and be loved
and be in love
fuck love
Do you hear me
Fuck cozy nights
And breathless kisses
Anxious embraces
And butterflies
Fuck it
Fuck ‘I love you’s
‘I miss you’s
‘I want you so’s
fuck it all
fuck first times
and heart melting, lip blubbering, admissions of ‘forever’
fuck it
fuck love
and lovers
and loving
and wanting hopelessly, desperately to love and be loved
and be in love
fuck love
finding you again
I held on to them for a long time
Your smile, your heart, your love, your wanting better for me, more from me
I held on to them and let them rot, let what was fresh and innocent and beautiful become tainted and old and unwanted
I held onto the hurt I projected on you, and even though it was mine- I created it, I let you claim it
In my head it was you, your doing, your destruction of us, of me
I opened up to ‘wisdom’ recently and was given a new reality on my stance of our relationship
Wisdom made me see that I unjustly lay blame where it had no home, there was not space for negative feeling
Time and progression were in play and they dictated the path we followed
Slowly, the bind I locked you into in my mind and heart is loosening and the bitterness is melting with each revelation I achieve
Whatever I threw to the universe to be manifested I can never retrieve but I can apologize
When the time is right and our paths cross again I do hope I am ready and fully open to embrace you again
I held on to them for a long time
Your smile, your heart, your love, your wanting better for me, more from me
I held on to them and let them rot, let what was fresh and innocent and beautiful become tainted and old and unwanted
I held onto the hurt I projected on you, and even though it was mine- I created it, I let you claim it
In my head it was you, your doing, your destruction of us, of me
I opened up to ‘wisdom’ recently and was given a new reality on my stance of our relationship
Wisdom made me see that I unjustly lay blame where it had no home, there was not space for negative feeling
Time and progression were in play and they dictated the path we followed
Slowly, the bind I locked you into in my mind and heart is loosening and the bitterness is melting with each revelation I achieve
Whatever I threw to the universe to be manifested I can never retrieve but I can apologize
When the time is right and our paths cross again I do hope I am ready and fully open to embrace you again
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