breathless

i'm scared
i'm mostly afraid to say it out loud, to give it a name, to let my fear manifest as though keeping it shapeless, nameless thought makes it somehow less potent
i'm terrified of failing
the fear has made me afraid to even try
i smile and i nod and i avoid all in the name of keeping peace, saving face, not confronting the fear that makes my chest tighten
i lie to myself, to others when the truth sits in my lap and hugs my shoulders present every where i go, startling me awake at odd hours and halting my singing in the middle of songs,
this can't continue yet it must- facing the fear is terrifying
i don't know if i'm strong enough
what it could all mean if the truths reveal themselves, what if i stop lying and accept the reality staring me in the face, the reality that has been screaming at me for years...the thought of what it could all mean takes my breath away